I need a break from Aikido!

13 11 2007

Why? This post will start talking about something completing different but at the end it will explain very clearly why I need to take a break, and not from a lack of motivations, quite the opposite!!! 😦

Han Xu, 韩��The post is actually about an impossible, improbable dream or better another of my short relationships.. This time I manage to be in a relationship for about xx days.. I don’t want to put a number because the start had not been very clear and we passed from dating to a bit more serious in quite a short time..

Improbable and impossible because she is so much younger than me, because she is gorgeous and I am.. me.. because we both entered this relationship on false grounds: she wanted to play but sold me the thing as serious; I wanted a real relationship, build something for the future, but to not scare her, I try to be detached, tried to show it was ok to play..

But it was not ok at the end.. and the different views came out pretty soon, especially since she is in love for someone else! And, since just before my trip to Cologne, I started feeling very strongly that she was distant.. getting away from me..

The fact that she works and studies, she’s pretty busy, and we started seeing each other after I planned (and payed for the tickets) my 6 weekends of Aikido trips did not help at all!

At the end I have been accused to move too fast, but I still believe that it is an excuse: true, I wanted something real with her, but since it was ages I felt these kind of feelings for a girl, I have been extra careful. That was the only thing she could accuse me of! I believe she just wanted me out of the picture, since I told her I would have liked to have her just for me.. did not like so much her flirting and playing with many other boy-friends.. Even though it is quite normal for a pretty young girl! Maybe I was too jealous.. I was definitively and in many ways too old for her and she was too young for me!

In truth I am actually grateful to her: I was happy to care again, after a very long time, for a person in the way I did for her; she taught me more chinese; introduced me to more chinese music (but I still prefer mine, hers was too.. soft!!); we had a great time (sometimes) and I had a better understanding of some Chinese culture and a lot better of young girls mentality! 😉

Most of these thoughts were formed during the evenings in Cologne. I realized it was definitively over, she was not interested in a break, a chat, an attempt of recovery or a better understanding of each other.. It was painful, but I could accept it. In my famous optimism, I knew this relationship could not last 😦 Besides, she questioned me several times asking which kind of relationship ours was.. and she never used the word boyfriend for me.. another reason that I did not really told to any friends about her. Yeah, she gave me many hints that it was not going to last long. And probably I was afraid to talk about her.. superstition, no, better in Italian, scaramanzia that did not help at the end!

So, there I was, in Cologne, sleeping in Jörg’s dojo and thinking I was again alone.. and, naturally(?), I start thinking to which seminars in December and January I could go, and how I could plan the beginning of next year respect to Aikido or maybe go to Japan.. now that I am lonely again and the only gratifications in my life come from.. Aikido! 😦

What a freak!!!!

I need a break.. Aikido is my wife and 韩旭 had been my young lover……. now that she has left, the old understanding wife is there.. waiting to pick up the pieces.. again and again..

Should I laugh or cry??? Nah.. better take some ukemi

Sverre throwing me

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One response

24 02 2011
Thomas

An philosophy teacher once told me “Most things in life change, I’ve been in love many times, relationships come and go, but the one love that always been there for me has been the comforting and protective love for and from martial arts.”

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