I have to fight my instincts!
A special person left an important part of my life and this rejection, that did not come as a surprise at all, a rejection I thought I could handle (not easily since she is.. was.. extremely important in the every day chain of thoughts, taking a big part of them!) is creating feelings I do not want!
It is not that I did not care about her before: since back in Europe I know I have been spending again more time in Aikido travels and that has been the cause of most of my failed relationships earlier. Being her also very busy and free only sporadically and usually only on Sundays I thought I was still doing well in keeping the relationship going.
But among the reasons I always knew it would have not lasted there is one she used for explaining the break up: she wanted something/someone new. And as Chinese girl first time in Europe exploring and discovering the new world, I am not surprised she found many new things I could not give her. Or people I could not be. So this was not a surprise.
The pain now is not a surprise as well, exactly like the missing and the sadness. Naturally. Being not surprised does not mean I am not hurt. my feelings for her were different.
But recently I heard the sentence:
Rejection enhance the desire of possession..
..and this describes some latent feeling I am having now and then, these days.. feeling of possession, or fighting back for her, feeling that I do not want or deserve to have, because she will be happier with these changes she is always looking for. And I am ok with her happiness.
This desire of possession is what I want to fight against. It can only result in pain for both of us, and in truth, more for me, since she has already a new life and important people, maybe even boyfriend in this life. Also the decision came from her, and she will never “back up”, admit she made a mistake.
I am back to my old typical life, and just have to start again enjoying it, the kind of life I am more used to live… alone but not lonely!
At least this time after the break up I don’t have to leave the place where I live for not seeing her too often. I got already distance and as long as I can survive the call from Asia, I will need only time. When the call will be too strong, the reason for leaving won’t be running away from a broken heart…
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t let it go
But rather learning to start over
– Nicole Sobon