What an example of awesome bad timing was my post from 2 days ago!!
Not even the time to set my mind on focusing on some new possibility that I get a new kick I’m the stomach and lower: apparently once again I have over estimated my own Aikido skills.
I had thought that working hard on the uke role in particular and try to do less tori and taking it slow I could manage to practice I’m the local Sanshinkai Aikido dojo without messing up both the people here and my own Aikido. The problem is that when I practice with more advance people and the technique gets fluid I stop thinking about what I do (naturally the target, always) and my Aikido switch back to the one I love (and miss), not Ikeda sensei Aikido.
Anyway yesterday I have been told that this has caused confusion and unrest in the dojo, especially among the beginners.
The conclusion is that I am welcome to join the advanced class (Wednesday night) where more variations are allowed but it would be much better if I skipped the other sessions with more beginners.
What a personal failure… at least partial.
I have never hidden that I am not interested to learn this Aikido and making it my own. But I thought I was good enough to manage to blend with better results.
I was wrong.
Funny that when looking at old embukai from Ikeda sensei, like the one below, all the differences I have seen in practicing in Utrecht now (almost 25 years after the demo) disappear. But a demo is always something beyond practice. And Ikeda sensei practice system now is a highly structured one that might trigger some interest because it resembles older forms, like koryu in Iaido or Kenjutsu. But then my interest stops there.
It might be a good thing because it will press me in doing something I have been thinking about in some time: moving to live in Amsterdam as several of my colleagues.
But this is only trying to find something good from another rejection.
I have been rejected recently by two girls, important for me, especially the second one, and I have been angry, sad, inadequate, nervous, lost…
Yesterday night I felt the same, times 1000… Or more! Tells lot about why personal relationships maybe don’t last long.
Seriously, though, I thought that balancing 2 session max of practice in Utrecht dojo with several a Aikido weekends around Europe I would have managed to contribute to the local club and at the same being able to keep working on my own growth meeting the teachers important for me. Apparently the “experiment” has failed and it was risking to damage Sanshinkai project.
I personally feel sad and displeased with myself in particular. But I had faced annoying situations, being called rough and recently accused to use force when I think I am the one on those mats using the least of that. For a club practicing a style where uke should continuously attack they seem to be too easily surprised when tori changes suddenly a direction or the steps are not what they expect (not talking about beginners here of course). My search of timing is in applying a change of direction the moment that uke reacts: when not expected it can be felt as strong contact. But why complaining about using strength when so many times I have been pulled and pushed around? And as said before, I try to not think at that as unnecessary use of force but as an Aikido style I do not comprehend.. yet.. or I never will..
For both my and this nice group sake it is better I take a step back. I’ll probably test the one session per week offer until the end of the year if it does not create further problems.
So it might be a good thing.
Aikido, even now, still gives me a lot of pleasure and a lot of challenges. I have failed this one, but I have some good memories and also some very good feedback from beginners and not only in Sanshinkai dojo. I hope I have managed to transmit at least a little bit among the negative.
I certainly miss more practice in the Aikido I know best and like the most.
Maybe in this as in many other things I am too old. As I got no chance to make a 25 years old girl liking me, I cannot as well expect to be able to keep a full time double Aikido personality, becoming a bipolar Aikidoka.
Rejections are still on my path, at every corner.. I just have to learn to deal with them better! There is still so much good out there and so many good friends that will throw me around (as a matter of fact soon, little more than 1 week) just to remind me where my path is!