Fear of the Dark..

25 11 2014

It is so funny, when it comes the dark I know it is time to go back home and now some of my evening choices have been cancelled against my will… I do not welcome anymore the arrival of the dark hours…

Night is coming

Even if I have never practiced much Aikido in Utrecht, I have had always the chance to take two sessions per week. Now not anymore and when I know in advance I am busy on Wednesdays it means no chance to practice on weekdays.

Furthermore, earlier I used to have a Skype chat almost every evening with a person I enjoyed to listen to, mostly, and I was able to talk to as well, even if the talking was much less than the listening. But that was good for me. Then for some time I almost feared the obligation of this chat, every night… I almost don’t speak to myself that often!

Now, this person have walked out from my life and many little details have emphasized how good she had been in removing any feelings for me, perfectly normal of course at the end of a relationship (but she had a great advantage: she had already started in August, few days after we had a great time in Norway together, meaning her mind was already set for it with a long thought plan!).

Unfortunately I am clearly the kind of person that misses what he cannot have (not anymore). I admit to check Skype from time to time, because my stupid phone does not alert when a call arrives (reason I lost before some calls making a person already little interested in the relationship looking elsewhere for listeners).

So when the night comes, my little home, my empty home, scares me a little..

Every sound it’s too loud and every silence too deep.

I know it is only a question of time for finding again joy in the nights and I know I must not think about what I lost (not all because of my mistakes!) but I should work hard to find some new inspirations and motivations.

Not think about what she is doing and with whom, but do something as well. Something constructive (as studying languages that interest me!). This will take time, the stop thinking, I mean. It helps knowing there is nothing more left here..

Not think about the Aikido I am missing, but find some training I can do alone: time to get a bokken, a jo or my iaito and let my mind relax in some of the ways I have always known! This is actually easier, and it might help (like 1000 cuts suburi) to stop the other thoughts! 🙂

I am a man who walks alone
And when I’m walking a dark road
At night or strolling through the park

When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it’s dark

Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something’s
Always near
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someone’s
Always there

Have you run your fingers down
The wall
And have you felt your neck skin crawl
When you’re searching for the light?
Sometimes when you’re scared
To take a look
At the corner of the room
You’ve sensed that something’s
Watching you

Have you ever been alone at night
Thought you heard footsteps behind
And turned around and no one’s there?
And as you quicken up your pace
You find it hard to look again
Because you’re sure there’s
Someone there

Watching horror films the night before
Debating witches and folklore’s
The unknown troubles on your mind
Maybe your mind is playing tricks
You sense, and suddenly eyes fix
On dancing shadows from behind

Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something’s
Always near
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someone’s
Always there

When I’m walking a dark road
I am a man who walks alone



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