Seminar thoughts: disconnection..

26 01 2015

I realized my Aikido went like my life recently: regression backward. At least I am getting lots of things to think about, unfortunately got no dojo yet (for the Aikido) and no partner (for the other issues)….

Last weekend in Strømmen I met my dear friend Karsten and had a chance to have a nice chat about how important is for us to have some weekly chances to practice Aikido (I cannot say anymore daily, as in my older days in Norway). Both mind and body needs the Aikido break, and I am not surprised we both agree on this aspect. His life has of course many more challenges, being a father of two gorgeous girls, living with his partner and the children and working as a teacher (another job that requires quite a lot of “homework” and preparation, not only for the students!).

Venting out mentally and physically gives quite a lot of pleasure, and the best way for me has been Aikido, in the years (I know what you might be thinking! There are different and maybe better ways to vent out ;-) but in many many years of single life, and not only, Aikido is certainly one of the best ways.. ).

Marc Bachraty sensei in Strømmen, with a twist :)

Marc Bachraty sensei in Strømmen. Group photo with a twist :)

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What kind of freak I am

16 01 2015

Just to balance to thoughts about the kind of girl I really like (and I had maybe once or twice in my life, but they both left me.. mmhhh dangerous tendency!), it is time I give you (people that never met me and never will) an idea about me. Please read “guys” as boys/men: “men” would be the proper comparison for my biological age, “boys” are on the other hand the kind of age I compete with (losing) for the girls I used to like..

So:

  • there are guys that look at their best in any occasion, in any weather, always properly dressed, hairs appearing always stylish, never with short breath, never stressed, never out of position/identity, with the clothes always perfectly fitting them, even if they carry luggage and they run to catch the last train.. in one word, always cool – I am not of that kind, I am just real.. a real mess!
  • there are guys that girls look at with loving eyes: they can shut up, talk bulls, talk nonsense (as most boys) and the girls are already at their feet – I am not of that kind, and also I am very honest, thing many girls do not like;
  • there are guys that do not need to talk in order to make their presence known: magnetic center in room fool of people that just would fade in the background –  I am not of that kind, I am the background;
  • there are guys that have reached all they hoped for, they are established, they know what they want (who) and how to get it (her) and never cared about the rest of the world, anything expendable for their goals –  I am not of that kind, I am still in deep waters about my goals and I do care in general about other people feelings (not what they think about me);
  • there are guys that betray – I am not of that kind, I am the one betrayed by girls I cared too much about, girls that are easily attracted by those guys;
  • there are guys that can open the bra strap of the girl they are making out with, with one hand behind her back while with the other hand they fix a drink and at the same time they keep kissing the above mentioned girl thinking about the next and watching football on TV – I am not of that kind, much less dexterity in the magic of bra unlocking (yeah, started too late) and too much monogamy mind: when I am with a girl I might enjoy the views around me, but she is on my mind 24/7.. I know, I’m an old fashioned idiot and always paying for this!
  • there are guys that can eat all the possible junk food and keeping a perfect body without doing anything for that – I am not of that kind, that is why I am usually alone in front a PC writing my silly blog posts ;-) (yeah, truth to be said, enjoying each and every one of them!)
  • there are guys, many of those actually, that put always themselves, their interests, their person, their needs as top priority in a relationship, in a team activity, in any second of their life – I am (usually) not of that kind, even if I know I should be more like that!
  • there is people gifted in all they do or at least in most – I am not of that kind, I reach goals with hard working, even enjoying that though! I don’t consider myself gifted (anymore: I used to be extremely good at math and logical thinking). But I am dedicated, a very good quality from my point of view.
  • there is people able to forget the negative events in their life, step over them and re-start living at once – I am unfortunately not of that kind, I am an elephant with elephant memory. And an idiot!
  • there is people that at 40++ are established – I am not of that kind, I am weird! But in a good way ;-)
  • there are guys that do not care to be loved, hated or nothing at all –  I am not of that kind, love me or hate me, please, but don’t be totally indifferent to me! Especially not after about 3 years together! This is hurting, especially when I realized, when I feel that I am not anymore present in any way possible in **’s mind, just discarded as a used tampon.

After such a terrible description, why any girl on earth should be attracted or interest in me? No reason, probably all the female in a 10 miles range are running away as fast as they can!!

The few girls that are not running away, the few friends that are still close are what gives real good feelings in every day life. I know I am weird, but I still see some people that is not scared by this weirdness, and it makes me feel good! And I try to share these positive feelings with the people I care of, sometimes people that stop caring or never cared about me.. But that’s life and you gonna live it as it is!





Start of the new year

16 01 2015

In these first two weeks I have done a few things:

  1. got stood up by 3 (!) girls for first “dates”/meetings: both had reasonably good reasons (acceptable good excuses); the record was having 3 first dates though.. and the record as well to get both cancelled/postponed (?) in no time!
  2. went to my first Aikido seminar in Bremen with the Aiki-wizard Jorma Lyly sensei
  3. finished my first book: present of a colleague, and extremely funny book titled  “Gods Behaving Bad” by Marie Phillips. Funny seeing now they made a movie of it.. cool!
  4. defrost the fridge!!
  5. collected the repaired laptop and start using more actively the second hand iPad I bought myself for Christmas!

One thing postponed still for next week: shave and cut hairs!





What’s wrong with me? If anything…

14 01 2015

Not so long time ago during a funny evening in a one of the best pubs I have been in Amsterdam, De Prael, talking with an Italian couple and a Spanish friend (divorced man of about my age), the Italian girl, woman in her late 30s, clearly said that:

“a single man over 40 that has never been married is extremely weird! Something must be wrong with him”

…what? me? You are talking about me, right?

I do not think she even realized that and for sure she did not think I would have remembered, or post about this.. but I must say it hit the spot less than what I actually thought!

I have been once before defined as “weird but in a good way” by another female friend.

For sure I did not expect shame from myself and I am a stronger believer that one must live his/her life how best it fits the choices and situation he/she is making or facing. I have never been really close to get married even if I had strong feelings for 2 young women in the past 5 years. But the question was never popped, neither of them would have anyway said yes and I have been betrayed and left by both of them! So again, the strong feelings were just one sided..

In my life I have been more time single than with girlfriend. This must be already a sign that something is wrong about me, I guess.. at least for some people!

I consider special the precious moments I have had a partner who was sharing some of my life joys: traveling, photography, food (never had an Aikido girlfriend..). I said more than once what I like in a girl, and my “standards” are not that high! I’m easy going and easy to satisfy also in this!

But in reality I am not that good to get close to girls and therefore establish long lasting partnerships.

Do I need a mental examination for finding the reasons? Is it really necessary? Is there really anything wrong with me?

The only thing I can see it is my chronic inability to fast forget the broken relationships. This is something I have carried long with me and I perfectly know that the first girl I get close to after one of my major break-ups will not remember me too nicely, because my mind is always still with the last ex. This has always happened. This is probably wrong: I am passionate and presenting a huge inertia against changes! I am an emotional elephant!

But this is my life, these have been my choices, and when not mine, the situations I have ended up into are mine own. I live them as I want but mainly as I can. I have to accept my life for what it is, with a few regrets here and there, but who does not have any?

So,

I AM a single man over 40 who has never been married and, yes, I am weird! Something must be wrong with me, but I do not think it is a major problem. Proud or not, this is my life and I live it keeping my head high!

 

 





2014 wrap up

9 01 2015

After failing to achieve the easiest resolutions, last year I had decided to keep it very easy & short for 2014:

2014 Resolutions:

  • learn something new
  • get passionate again about something (..else than Aikido, reading, taking pictures and travelling)

2014 Prediction:

  • if I do not achieve both those resolutions I will go nuts!!!

..and right now I wonder if I have gone nuts!

Of course, the main question is how nuts I was already at the starting point (01/01/2014)? So, respect to that, am I more or equally nuts? I do believe I am just a little more nuts because the year brought the expected but anyway painful break-up from a person that has been my special one for more than 3 years. Actually she did broke up with me twice in few months, changed her mind, got back, and then just be sure, tried other “possibilities” before the final cut of the relationship.. better safe than sorry, they say, right?

I have definitively learnt (re-learnt) something “new” (almost forgotten): the pain at being betrayed, more than just being left by a girl.

Together with this, during 2014 I have certainly learnt a lot work related stuff: medical devices in general, service and internal audit procedure of compliance to medical ISO. Interesting or not, it is all good for the CV! :-)

The second point is maybe more difficult: I have to think deeply. I certainly enjoyed Bali and Indonesia, the new people met there and the people I already knew, but this actually includes all the stuff in the “else than” part!

When I wrote that I had music in mind and my eternal struggle to learn to play guitar: an instrument I always loved, also an effective way to catch interest and attentions from girls around (probably actually even related to my broken relationship..). Anyway, nothing happened there. I still do not have a guitar and the few times I thought about it, I was sent back to reality by many other thoughts about my living and working situations.

In a way I got passionate about as metal band, Slipknot (several of the video posted with lyrics are by them) and I had even planned to go to a concert, but I have been cheated when I tried to buy the tickets (losing 200 euro to some big mofo that I could only wish to put my hands on…).

I might concede I got passionate about rejections: not only rejected by girls, I have also been “rejected” by the Aikido club where I practiced about 1 year in Utrecht. Different directions that I did not manage to make converge. It actually applies to both girls and Aikido misshapen.

I did not specify to be passionate about something positive, constructive for my life ;-) but I will, for this year resolutions!





2014 in review

30 12 2014

It has not been a great blogging year for me, I increased the drafts more than the posts, and in general the year has been less than shiny in other personal aspects, where I have increased the sorrows instead of the happy moments..

2015, I do not want to expect anything, it is better, as I have to learn to expect sh*t from people, the only way to avoid to be disappointed…

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 14,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.





Jogging and why I love China so much!

26 11 2014

I finally started jogging in the evenings since body and mind need a workout. I deeply hate running but I am also aware it’s the best way to take down and keep down the weight… and also manage to do something where I cannot think too much about something.. else! I am not a professional runner that can get lost in thoughts, I try to get deep with the music.

And I must thank my Chinese colleague for having introduced me to Duomi, an amazing app for music on the phone. You cannot export outside the phone, but what you manage to find there is fantastic.

Untitled

Among the last surprises there have been lots of old and new songs by Marlene Kuntz (ITA version), an Italian band that has marked my ’90s. Lots of memories. And energy! Definitively good when I (have to) run..

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