A child of 45!

6 07 2017

That is what most of people and myself in primis think when getting to know me!

How could I disagree with that??

always all natural

  • all children almost at once like me: we think in the same way, of course!
  • I sleep on the floor: futon on a very rough handmade base
  • my room has no door, I live with 2 cats and 2 house mates
  • I work to maintain my “life hobby”, Aikido.. nah, let’s say it loud and clear: my life, Aikido!
  • my savings are not much more than … monthly balance.. no future planning (except for Aikido seminars), living the moment.. totally incapacity to answer the question: “what you want your life being in .. 5 years? 10 years? after retirement?”.. what life?
  • I have no girlfriend.. as a matter of fact I almost never had one
  • I got no children and already given up on any thought of a traditional family: enjoying every second with my closest friend children
  • I have never owned a car, a motorbike, a scooter, a dog or cat, never lived with a partner, never been married (reinforcement to my being weird concept)
  • I do not do very well with changes
  • fashion? Sorry, what’s that? I cannot dress properly, not like a 45 y/o man or not even as a 30 something y/o normal person.. I am still a jeans and T-shirt person (like the girls I usually like..). Next week I will go to a wedding in Italy and I am still unsure what I will wear, what I want to wear, where I can buy it, if what I have planned to wear will have the effect to be removed from all contact lists of the people attending the wedding, or just the will not open the door. I hope there is a children table!
  • I listen to more or less the same music I have been listening in the past 25 years
  • I fall asleep in front of the TV (PC) and then get up in the night to switch off the lights.. or I do it in the morning when I go to work!
  • I get grumpy fast like a little child not allowed to do what he wants, that very moment, but also I forget my anger equally fast, most of the times
  • I trust people, like a child.. I got burned quite a few times, but I keep trusting people.. maybe I am a stupid child, or just got a shorter memory than most.. or just I do not want to change (see above, not doing well with changes!)

My biggest fear is becoming a child of 50 that talks to himself (and even answers from time to time), unable to be socially acceptable in any ways (I mean, worse than now!) and being content about that or not even realizing it..

Being still a few years of neural degrading for reaching that point, I hope (at least!). I hope Aikido will help to keep some neurons alive!

And just for the final irony, I discovered today is world kissing day… ironic for a guy child, I mean, that has not kissed that much in his life (but enjoying it every time!) and probably has the record speed of being unmatched on Tinder..

..but at least tonight it is time again to fly to an Aikido seminar and especially to many friends I missed a lot lately.. and in particular celebrating 10 years of knowing a crazy fantastic person from Prague..

flying to…everywhere…


Conversation with a ghost of the past life

8 02 2017

I have written this story on a small sheet of paper sitting in my usual spot in my usual bar, alone as usually, but completely relaxed, enjoying the noise around me and feeling in complete peace with myself. It is good sometimes to be a ghost lost in a crowd..

– In the previous life we were a couple
M – Were we?
– Yes
M – And how was it?
– It was good, great even from time to time. We had 2 kids, 2 girls
M – 2 can be tough
– You know that, right. But 2 can also be awesome
M – Was it awesome for us?
– It was for you.. when you left me
M – Did I?
– Yes, and it had been the right thing to do
M – Was it?
– I loved you and the girls with all myself.. but it was not enough
M – What was missing then?
– Loving myself as well, accepting myself, stop thinking I should have been better
M – Could you?
– I tried and failed, and drunk myself away from my failures, or at least I thought I could get away
M – Was it worth?
– I gave you a chance for a better life when I was over, when I was done… so yes, my failures gave you freedom
M – Did I really want that freedom? From you? Have you ever asked this to yourself?
– I was taking you down with me, taking the girls away from happiness because of my egoism
M – Have you not being selfish killing yourself?
– Have you been happy afterwards?
M – …
– …
M – I missed you in the past life, the girls missed you
– But then they found again happiness, you found happiness.. they forgot me, you forgot me
M – Have you found peace now?
– I see the past, my errors, the present, I see you.. I am content
M – But not happy
– Happiness is overrated
M – Fuck off
– I loved you. I still do. I will always do.. in my way
M – Fuck off
– Are you happy now?
M – Yes, I am
– Then stop talking and let me enjoy your smile.. so I am happy too

COPYRIGHT NOTE Some rights reserved. Publication of my stories can be done only after obtained written permission by me. Leave a comment with your email address (it will remain private) and I will take contact at once 😀 and I will be very happy!

Creative Commons LicenseThis work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.

The 5th man

10 05 2016

I started writing this short story on the 28th August 2009. It was finished on paper when I was in China (2010-2013) but then I lost the papers in my several moves. And today, 10/05-2016 (1 year anniversary), when the feeling of being a 5th man myself is so strong, I wanted to finish and finally publish it.

The 4 of them were used to meet only Friday nights. They did not really know each other. Until that Friday they hand only one thing in common, or at least a thing they knew they had in common. Maybe they liked the same food, the same TV shows or ice cream. Maybe but they never talked to each other. So, the only thing they had in common, the 4 of them, was the pleasure to spend 1 hour every Friday evening in the Jacuzzi of the local public bath. Exactly at 9 pm, all the 4 of them used to meet at the Jacuzzi, exchange formal “good evening”, set 4 perfectly folded towels on the bench along the wall and enter the large square bath. Sitting at each rounded corner, every week the same place. The bubble exhaust was on the lateral side, with smaller exhausts at the corners, just for an extra massage on the back. Toward the center of the bath, along the diagonals there were also smaller bubble exhausts, for a great leg massage. Even when the 4 men extended their legs, they never touched each other. Every Friday, after the formal exchange of the four “good evening”, for the next hour one could hear only the sound of the gurgling water. One hour during which 4 lives, problems, demanding jobs, love affairs, children issues, wives complaints, mortgages all disappeared. After 1 hour, the 4 men would just stand, get out of the bath in the same way they got in, exchange a single formal “good bye” and leave, getting back to their lives. Until that Friday. Read the rest of this entry »

My effect on people and things!

5 06 2015

Newton’s law of universal gravitation states that any two bodies in the universe attract each other with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them:

Therefore anything inserted in a pre-existent system will have an effect, contribute to some changes, that can be at micro-level or at macro-level, depending on the consistency of the new body.

I have realized that I do affect as well the environment around me, in some very peculiar ways.. not big galactic changes as it could be a star imploding in a hopefully far away solar system, but still my presence in close vicinity to human beings, animals or things provokes changes.. alterations of reality.. subliminal, physical and metaphysical modifications of nature.. all enough to be perceived.. at least by me!

My effect on males:

  • anyone suddenly becomes so much more cool, handsome, funny, popular, attractive, confident, interesting and available when side by side with me;
  • some men get taller, lose weight, the hairs grow faster and more stylish, the breath smells so good that girls start kissing them passionately (usually the girl I have been talking with for a few hours trying to work my way through..);
  • idiots suddenly appear as best conversation companions in the whole world (or at least in a 3 meter radius around me), and, why stop at talking, right?

My effect on females:

  • their period starts, unexpectedly most of times;
  • sudden headaches are not uncommon, especially when it comes time to go to bed;
  • even with totally disinhibited girls usually interested to sleep with any male crossing their path or feeling excited and half way out of their clothes when a complete stranger just smiles at them, they completely lose sexual drive when I come around;
  • on the positive side, I can make girls smile, laugh (sometimes too much, uncontrollably, but with a face like mine what can I say..);
  • I am a proven insomnia cure: best medicine for falling asleep especially when spending an evening together;
  • school projects, home works, studying, exam preparation, marks, results are again a major priority in every day life.. at least for the time I am around!

My effect on animals & children:

  • they always feel comfortable with me: animals & children do like me a lot! Probably because they see someone very close to them, that thinks in the same way, that behaves in the same way..

My effect on things:

  • computers (laptop in particular) find a fast way to death;
  • iPhones die as well;
  • the weather changes: clouds seem to accumulate faster over my head than uniformly over the sky;
  • in a thunderstorm, do not come stand close to me..

So, for experimenting, throw me in a room full of different people, animals and things and see things happening!

I must become a cat person for you

23 03 2015
Become a cat person A cat is independent at all times. A cat is selfish
A cat, when she is in need of attentions, she comes to you
Or she goes to the one she likes the most at that time, the one that can give her the most
She puts herself at the center of the world. Only her needs are important
A cat uses you when she needs you and forget about you when the need is over or someone better is around
A cat does not need anyone too long

I must not need you to still enjoy you. The moment you go away used to be the darkest because I still think about you as a person

You are a cat
Not my cat
Not anyone’s cat
When you will be anyone’s you’ll stop being a cat and you’ll be back to be a silly little girl

I still enjoy doing things with her and I am not ashamed of it
When she decides to come to me I enjoyed her warmth and her presence. It’s still difficult to not miss her presence, to not feel temporary empty, hollow, when she moves away from me. But I’m learning

She is a cat
A cat lives in the present, the past is not discarded but does not influences the choices, the future does not matter
A cat never stays in the same place for long

She will stop maybe soon and then stop to be a cat and I will stop missing her

Become a cat person

I must become a cat person, for you.. for me..


What kind of freak I am

16 01 2015

Just to balance to thoughts about the kind of girl I really like (and I had maybe once or twice in my life, but they both left me.. mmhhh dangerous tendency!), it is time I give you (people that never met me and never will) an idea about me. Please read “guys” as boys/men: “men” would be the proper comparison for my biological age, “boys” are on the other hand the kind of age I compete with (losing) for the girls I used to like..


  • there are guys that look at their best in any occasion, in any weather, always properly dressed, hairs appearing always stylish, never with short breath, never stressed, never out of position/identity, with the clothes always perfectly fitting them, even if they carry luggage and they run to catch the last train.. in one word, always cool – I am not of that kind, I am just real.. a real mess!
  • there are guys that girls look at with loving eyes: they can shut up, talk bulls, talk nonsense (as most boys) and the girls are already at their feet – I am not of that kind, and also I am very honest, thing many girls do not like;
  • there are guys that do not need to talk in order to make their presence known: magnetic center in room fool of people that just would fade in the background –  I am not of that kind, I am the background;
  • there are guys that have reached all they hoped for, they are established, they know what they want (who) and how to get it (her) and never cared about the rest of the world, anything expendable for their goals –  I am not of that kind, I am still in deep waters about my goals and I do care in general about other people feelings (not what they think about me);
  • there are guys that betray – I am not of that kind, I am the one betrayed by girls I cared too much about, girls that are easily attracted by those guys;
  • there are guys that can open the bra strap of the girl they are making out with, with one hand behind her back while with the other hand they fix a drink and at the same time they keep kissing the above mentioned girl thinking about the next and watching football on TV – I am not of that kind, much less dexterity in the magic of bra unlocking (yeah, started too late) and too much monogamy mind: when I am with a girl I might enjoy the views around me, but she is on my mind 24/7.. I know, I’m an old fashioned idiot and always paying for this!
  • there are guys that can eat all the possible junk food and keeping a perfect body without doing anything for that – I am not of that kind, that is why I am usually alone in front a PC writing my silly blog posts 😉 (yeah, truth to be said, enjoying each and every one of them!)
  • there are guys, many of those actually, that put always themselves, their interests, their person, their needs as top priority in a relationship, in a team activity, in any second of their life – I am (usually) not of that kind, even if I know I should be more like that!
  • there is people gifted in all they do or at least in most – I am not of that kind, I reach goals with hard working, even enjoying that though! I don’t consider myself gifted (anymore: I used to be extremely good at math and logical thinking). But I am dedicated, a very good quality from my point of view.
  • there is people able to forget the negative events in their life, step over them and re-start living at once – I am unfortunately not of that kind, I am an elephant with elephant memory. And an idiot!
  • there is people that at 40++ are established – I am not of that kind, I am weird! But in a good way 😉
  • there are guys that do not care to be loved, hated or nothing at all –  I am not of that kind, love me or hate me, please, but don’t be totally indifferent to me! Especially not after about 3 years together! This is hurting, especially when I realized, when I feel that I am not anymore present in any way possible in **’s mind, just discarded as a used tampon.

After such a terrible description, why any girl on earth should be attracted or interest in me? No reason, probably all the female in a 10 miles range are running away as fast as they can!!

The few girls that are not running away, the few friends that are still close are what gives real good feelings in every day life. I know I am weird, but I still see some people that is not scared by this weirdness, and it makes me feel good! And I try to share these positive feelings with the people I care of, sometimes people that stop caring or never cared about me.. But that’s life and you gonna live it as it is!


6 09 2010

[Written on 04/07/2009,waiting for a friend that never showed – dedicated to H.P. Lovecraft]

What is a nightmare? Something so scary that when you wake up you still do not know where you are, if you are really safe or not.. for some time after opening your eyes, you wonder: is that finished? For real? If I turn around, if I switch the light on, if I focus my sight, what would I see? The end of my life? The scream that stop just a little before reaching my lips, should I release it? Will it find its way out of me to the real world? Has the nightmare followed me to my world? What if the answer is yes? What if the “normal” life, the one out of the dream, the one when you are awake, it is the one that make you scream? It id not enough to close your eyes to escape from this reality. It is not enough to cover your ears. It is not enough to think about positive stuff, to sing a song from your youth, to remember your past happiness. It just does not work. How can you escape from a nightmare when it is the only reality you know? The only thing you know. Your eyes see unimaginable monsters. Your ears hear screams that would make the heart stop of a seasoned exorcist. Your skin feels the touch of sins that any devil would cry at the only thought. You looked for peace of mind as a drowning creature looks for air, as a blind look for light.. but you know there is no hope, no peace, no air, no light. When nightmare is the only thing you know, the only thought, hope, reality, you can possibly have, then there is no reason anymore for fighting, for screaming, for shutting your eyes or covering your ears. There is no light. There is no air. There is no hope. Why fight? Sit down and enjoy the trip. Enjoy the nightmare. And when you realized you stepped over, when you realized you are not scared anymore but you are smiling, you are actually having a good time.. that the nightmare is actually pleasant.. that is dreadful.. and you have a new name: EVIL is thy name..

Broken Butterfly

Picture copyrighted by Antonio Ruiz, aka [ ” OMINOUS ” ] aka Yakuza Mexicano. He is living in Mexico City: he is a photographer and a genius digital visual artist. All rights reserved.

COPYRIGHT NOTE Some rights reserved. Publication of my stories can be done only after obtained written permission by me. Leave a comment with your email address (it will remain private) and I will take contact at once 😀 and I will be very happy!

Creative Commons LicenseThis work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.