Diary of a Deadman

This band, Five Finger Death Punch, only recently fully discovered, is really impressing me, when I spend time listening to the lyrics.. Today I really enjoyed this song..

Unfortunately there are not many good videos available on the net, so that’s what you get..

Looking back I still have so many questions
So many things unanswered
Like what did I do?
What could I do?
Was there ever a moment you cared?

Or was I always ugly and abandoned
Remember all the times you wished me harm
You wished me dead
How can I have changed to make it better?
And would I?
Would I?
Would I?

I still feel so much hate inside of me
Seems like you were just waiting for me to fail
I’m sorry I can’t forgive you
Do you blame me?
You never forgave me

I’ve tried to grow from this
Every day’s a new challenge
Because with you, there is just no winning
Like it is not I’m still a part of you
And you’re still a part of me

Like it or not
You’re still a part of me
Yeah!

So this is how it ends
All the tears, all the blood
It’s all been for nothing
As the candle dwindles, then flickers out
In the end

Happy New Year, mofos!!

 

Happy new year
sisters and brothers out there!!

..Did you never give a damn in the first place?

UNRELATED COMMENT
I posted about a seminar I am going to teach in Trondheim at the beginning of the year but all considered, I think (or maybe many thinks) it has been my ego talking there.. As a matter of fact I miss teaching, but not for letting my ego grow stronger (again?.. I know many think that..), but for having a chance to practice the Aikido I love, work on the mats with like-minded people and try to understand something that at seminars one has not always time to doing that. Also there is an Aikido I manage to practice very seldom, Irie shihan‘s Aikido, and in this seminar I will have a chance to work a little on that and introduce it to my Norwegian friends, certainly something different (not better, not worse, just different, hoping to leave them with something to think about and maybe some curiosity to meet the source!). If people think it is my ego talking I am actually not so concern: I hope some of this people will be on the mats with me to try and experiment and see if some good feelings come out from the practice as well.. I can only repeat what I always say to people that call me teacher, as my Aiki-brother says:

So who am I? What do I want? Well, I am a student.

That is exactly what I am, what I have always been, and what I will be, independently where I will sit at the beginning of a class.. and I love it! So I want just study more soon in 2016!!

You cannot kill what you did not create

I *should* care less!

Words are words, then the meaning is what make them special, but who decides that? Not the being special but the meaning of those words?

The passing of time

Feeling like this today.. good to have Aikido practice to reboot my mind.. my medicine..

Almost 5 months and “sometimes” she is still up there.. (even knowing the break up happened so much before that date and I got no space in her thoughts since maybe a few months after we met!).

Strange day, so many unrelated things made me think about **.. already since this morning and the way the light shone on the bed.. at least soon I will leave that place and that bed.. no more déjà vu!

You roll, 你滚!!

..and I rock.. as a rock, I mean 🙂

A little more than a week to the start of a new semester of Aikido weekends.. starting with Fjords’n’Aikido Seminar with Marc Bachraty, 5. dan in Stavanger.

After this, lots has already been planned and some tickets have been bought.. some it is still in the planning phase.. and listening the song below from the radio at work, I thought it was appropriate for the moment, for the steps to the beginning of a new Aikido semester, and the steps toward a new year..

Lyrics:

We were meant to hurt each other

Amazing released video.. Killpop!

She’s sticking needles in her skin
I turn with an ugly grin
Her canvas doesn’t leave a lot, to fantasy
But her peace of mind, can’t stay inside the lines
It’s so, confusing, the methods that she’s using
She knows she shouldn’t leave a mark, that I can see
Will she ever find one million of a kind?
It’s cold and lonely but that’s because she told me
Lost inside her dirty world
No one hurts this pretty girl but her…

Oh, she’s beautiful
A little better than a man deserves
You are not insane
Please tell me she won’t change

[Chorus:]
Maybe I should let her go
But only when she loves me (she loves me)
How can I just let her go?
Not until she loves me (she loves me)

She’s drowning in herself again
My god what a lovely sin
I guess there’s nothing left to do, but have my way
She can feel it’s right, so she doesn’t close her eyes
She smiles and answers, it doesn’t seem to matter
Lost inside my dirty head
Something tells me I’m the one who’s kept

Oh, so volatile
A little better than a man defiled
Oh I need the pain
Please tell me she won’t change

[Chorus]

We were meant to be together
Now die and fucking love me
We were meant to hurt each other
Now die and fucking love me
Die and fucking love me
Die and fucking love me
Die and fucking love me

Fear of the Dark..

It is so funny, when it comes the dark I know it is time to go back home and now some of my evening choices have been cancelled against my will… I do not welcome anymore the arrival of the dark hours…

Even if I have never practiced much Aikido in Utrecht, I have had always the chance to take two sessions per week. Now not anymore and when I know in advance I am busy on Wednesdays it means no chance to practice on weekdays.

Furthermore, earlier I used to have a Skype chat almost every evening with a person I enjoyed to listen to, mostly, and I was able to talk to as well, even if the talking was much less than the listening. But that was good for me. Then for some time I almost feared the obligation of this chat, every night… I almost don’t speak to myself that often!